Qualifications for Getting Throat Punched

I’m all over a good list, currently.

Throat Punching is one of my favorite past times, and there are SO MANY reasons people deserve them.

What better list could there be than one that makes it clear how you can qualify for a punch to the throat?

We’ll call this the Pregnancy Edition because… duh.

1. When someone asks “Don’t you know what keeps causing that?”

No.

I don’t.

I have no concept of where babies come from apart from when a daddy loves a mommy so much that their love brings babies to their homes.  Please explain this to me.

2. When someone wants to know if they’re all mine.  ‘They’ being the 3 kids I voluntarily took into the grocery store (see previous post for that fun).

Nope.

I like strays.

Especially when I’m only needing 4 things to make it through the week from the store.

3. “What are you having?” from complete strangers.  Not when we’re acquainted and you genuinely want to know. This applies to the old lady in front of me in the checkout line whom I’ve never seen before in my life.

A unicorn.

I’m having a unicorn.

I also like to say that this is just water weight.

4. When I’m asked “So, is this it? Are you finished?”

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I wasn’t aware I had to run my family planning practices by you first.  I also didn’t know that what goes on in my home had any correlation to how you run yours.  You aren’t paying for my children (unless you give presents.  We love those!) so I don’t owe you an answer.

And the most throat punchy of them all:

5. “You ain’t had that baby yet?”

Sit with that a minute…

……   …… ……. NO! I AIN’T HAD THAT BABY YET!!!

This pregnancy hasn’t affected you in any way.  You haven’t had to wear the compression hoses.  You didn’t have to buy 3 boxes of cereal on your last run to IGA to eat at 10 pm because that’s the only legit craving you’ve ever had.  You didn’t pay my copay every month for the last 10 months.

You might have blinked and the last few months flew by for your family, but for me, I’ve been getting up to pee twice a night and eating tums like a boss for 40 weeks and 4 days, now. Don’t ask me this.  Or any pregnant woman this.

When you know better you can do better.

Be enlightened, my friends, and make the world a better place instead of asking me questions you already know the answers to.

Or Imma throat punch you real good.

PS  If we cool, and you’ve said/asked any of the things from this list, please know this isn’t posted in anger or frustration.  I’m just at the end of my patience rope from being uncomfortable and not being able to shave my legs appropriately. I know that you understand the struggle, too.  Especially those of you who have experienced the list yourselves.

But if you’re in the habit of stopping random women who are obviously pregnant to utter any one of these things, watch out for a punch to the throat, baby!  Because you deserve it, fo sho!

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