Qualifications for Getting Throat Punched pt II

Mom of 4 kids edition.

Now that we’re out and about with all the children of the world more often, my throat punch list has started to grow again.  Or at least I’m getting more annoyed at the SAME questions I was being asked while I was pregnant and only had 3 children.

I try to keep my eye rolling to a minimum and my hands always by my side or on a child, but it’s getting hard to do.  I can’t promise one won’t just sneak up and catch you square in the throat when you do something worthy of such in my presence.  Jesus is dealing with me on this, ok?  But until I get it right, watch out.

One of the rules I had in my high school classroom was you weren’t allowed to ask stupid questions.  I never have understood why teachers tell students there is no such thing as a stupid question, because there is in fact PLENTY of stupid questions.  Example of a simple direction:  Be sure to write your name on your paper if you want it to be graded.  Example of a stupid question: Do I have to write my name on my paper?


Or my most favorite of them all from the classroom: What are we doing today?

Oh My Lordy Be!!!

Want to send me to the 10th level of annoyed real fast? Ask me that when you walk into my classroom.

What the heck do you think we’re doing inside this SCHOOL today?  Inside a HISTORY CLASSROOM on this great day?  We’re learning.  About history.  OK???

I mean, why lie to these children?  Why encourage these stupid questions?  They grow up thinking it’s ok to ask things like “Do I really have to pay my taxes? Wear my seat belt? Chew up my food before I swallow it?”  Insert whatever stupid question you can think of into this, and FEEL the frustration.  I cannot be alone in this way of thinking!

These kids also grow up to bother me with the kinds of questions I’m going to list below.  Nobody wants that, ok? Nobody.
Throat-punchable questions for this stage of my life are as follows (you’ll note similarities from the last list)

1.Are they all yours?

What kind of question is this, guys???

I know babysitters travel into public with several children at a time, but they’re being paid for it.  When I go into public with all FOUR of my children, it’s because I have/need to.  Why would I pick up other random children just to run inside Grocery Outlet for a gallon of milk and a pack of nutrigrain bars?  Don’t ask me this garbage.

2.I just don’t know how you do it/ How do you do it all?

Do what?

Feed and water the kids?  Make sure they wear enough clothes to cover stuff?

What? DO WHAT?????

Keep them safe and happy?


There are no other options.

When they say they’re hungry, feed them.  When they start to smell bad, put them in the tub.  When they push their sibling off the porch, discipline them because it’s not ok to raise butt holes.

The only other option is to not do it all.  Then where would we be?

3.Are you done?

Did you poop this morning before you left the house?  Is this information I need to know to be able to carry on with my day?

Is it going to affect you directly if I’m not?

Four children isn’t weird, historically speaking.  One kid is.  One of my grand dads was 1 of 5, another grand dad was 1 of 17, a step grandmother was 1 of 12, I could keep going.

I teach a class full of 18 3 year olds most every day right by myself.

Four is not a big deal.  Especially four that I made. ESPECIALLY when the oldest can wipe himself, the girl likes to put away her own clothes, the little boy knows how to put his shoes on AND dress himself, and the baby sleeps through the night.

Get off my back.

4.Why in the world did you have all these kids?  Did you MEAN TO? And can you afford all of them? 

I  can’t roll my eyes hard enough at this mess.

Why do you wear such ugly clothes?  Did you MEAN to leave the house in those pleated pants?  They aren’t a thing anymore.

I wanted every one of these children.  Pat and I planned each of these pregnancies and the Lord was on board with our plans… Or maybe we were in tune with His plans.

Either way, they weren’t surprises.  But so what if they were?  Who doesn’t like surprises?  Are you going to turn away a nice bouquet of flowers somebody SURPRISED you with because it didn’t make sense to have them delivered to your desk before lunch?  Should I have asked Dr Pollard to put one of my children back because they were going to make me miss the next 5 years of going to see movies in the theater?


As far as affording them goes, I’ll let you on on a little secret: Hank was the most expensive kid. We bought gender neutral baby junk, I breastfed, & HELLO! Hand-me-downs!

Other than going out to eat, they haven’t been that expensive.  It does get a little tight when more than one is involved in something like ball or tumbling, but those things aren’t necessities.

The short answer is yes, we sure can afford these babies.  I have no doubt they get more expensive as they get older, but we’ll handle that when the time comes.  If you must know.

I’ll end this with no.5 before my blood pressure gets too outta control.  The more I type, the more I remember to add to the list, but 5 is a nice even number.  I’d hate to keep you here longer than you intended to be.

5.You know how that keeps happening, don’t you?  Don’t you have a TV at home?

A variation of this one appeared on the last list, but that didn’t deter people from continuing to ask it.

In an effort to not get raunchy with my readers, I’m just going to leave it with “Yes.  I do.  I also have a slight Netflix addiction, and we see where that’s gotten us.Would you like for me to tell you how it keeps happening?”

Think about what you want to say or ask before you actually ask it.  If it falls anywhere on this list, go ahead and mark it as a stupid question for future reference.  If you want to know how I managed to get such (relatively) well behaved children, I’d be more than happy to tell you about that fun.  Or if you want to know my great recipe for blueberry cheesecake cookies, I’d love to give it to you.

But if you’re asking a question to fill a little silence while you’re behind me at the checkout, just go ahead and let the silence drag on.  It’s not bothering me one bit.  I’ve got these 4 amazing people to make me happy!



6 thoughts on “Qualifications for Getting Throat Punched pt II

  1. I canNOT even post enough about all of my agreements with this post. I get so tired of hearing it. And to add to this list what REALLY burns my butt up is… John and I volunteer to coach or be vice-presidents and secretary/treasurer of football, then when I have to do a volunteer sheet for the concession stand and someone wants to tell ME that they didn’t sign up to work that concession stand. OH HONEY…when you signed your child up to play ball, you volunteered your time. B/c I’m going above and beyond my duties and we have 4 children in tow with two on the way. So don’t come complaining to me when you have ONE child, you show up 30 minutes before game time and leave after the last high five is given at all the games except for that ONE game that I put you down to work the concession stand at. My grammar and punctuation is out the window b/c I could just go on and on and on. I mean, we work all summer long organizing and preparing for the football/cheer season. We show get the concession ready the day before, show up early the morning of to make sure the drinks are cold enough by the time game time comes around, and we stay after the last game (there’s four total in case you missed it, but their one child only cheers at ONE) to clean up all the trash, put up drinks, count money, put up mats and wash Gatorade bottles. Then you have the nerve to tell me you didn’t sign up to work the concession stand. Honey…I don’t care if you wiped your butt this morning…but your gonna wash your hands and stand in there and take orders.


  2. I just love you, Em! I love to read your posts. I can sooo relate and you are so talented in putting these antics in writing. I think you should consider writing books!


  3. Emily, ALL 4 are beautiful and if It is in God’s plan for number 5, then that is what it will be! Each and everyone is a blessing!!


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